Who is the Right One?
Note: I wrote this post over two years and five months ago but never published it until now.
I must tell you that this post is in response to Glory Edozien's article, Addicted to Love. Now as I read the article, my emotions ran amuck, from wanting to shout 'yes!' to 'preach it' to 'steady there, not totally so.' Gloria professes that love between a man and a woman is totally non-existent and that love between a mother and her child is basically the purest of love in itself. I agree, to a point. Love is real and tangible, and it is feasible between a man and a woman. Couples can make their love work and long lasting. However, I believe our problem most times is our fundamental definition of love.
Thanks to Mills and Blooms and every other romance novel, a couple of us mix lust with love. In fact, we have blurred the lines so much that they are no longer visible. We attribute love to that butterfly feeling in your stomach, crossed eyes, rush of blood to your downward part, the intense longing to be near someone and constantly wanting to hold someone. That is what we have reduced love to; the physicality of our emotions. So tell me, how do we expect it to last? Humans naturally are emotional beings and that the only thing constant about us is change in itself. Shouldn't that tell us that our emotions would always change overtime?
Hollywood never ceases to amaze me with its constant sharing of fluid and its incestuous hotbed of interfuckingconnectedness (Lord bless Bette Porter for this phrase). And what get the most rise out of me is when couples realize after a string of divorce, remarriage and another divorce that they could have worked things out and get back together. REALLY, are you frigging kidding me! So, it's pretty much doom to accept Hollywood's definition of love or happiness.
But all our woes about dating and relationship stem from a single notion about who the right wo/man is. Every person,from the age of puberty, has a list of who the right partner will be. DTH is the common criterion for most Nigerian ladies. As for the male folks, – you didn’t think I was gonna leave you out, did you? – it is beautiful, presentable and independent. Most men do not want a woman who burns a hole in their pockets. Which is all good. Except, we often forget to leave the child play behind and face reality. We refused to realize that those lists should be burned as they are just to build self-esteem and define boundaries and not to be the handbook of our lives.
Ask any partner in a broken relationship; all s/he can spew out is how the other partner changed. Duh, people change. In fact, you did too. Which is why you see your partner differently. If you didn't, you wouldn't notice that s/he did not change too. Marriage is all about accepting changes together. It is not about wearing identical cloths, or receiving comments about how perfect looking you both are. Accept that, and you are laid for life.
Once again, I have deviated from my course, i.e. the idea of the right person. Let me give you this simple advice, one that has stuck, ever since I heard it: “the perfect person for you, is the one you say “I do” to. So that very day when the priest asks both of you that particular question, all you are doing really is pronouncing that person as the ‘right one’. Before that moment, s/he was just a potential right one. The right one isn't about your feelings but the fulfillment of your lists. And it definitely is not about you telling your friends “I think s/he is the one.” Even the sentence reveals reasoning. Why don't we ever say “s/he is the one” or "I know s/he is the one." All we always hear and say is “I think s/he is the one.” That's right, s/he is a potential right person, the way countless others are. And yes, there isn't only one right person, made just for you: “the bone of your bone and the rib of your ribs.” Considering you have 24 ribs, it stands to reason that you may have at least 24 potential right ones. So get off your high clouds and get over the romance novel; 99 percent of the stories are just lust rages. Why do you think novels always end with 'he proposes and she says yes and they live happily ever after' and never show you the morning after or sudden death of the passion? That's because there is nothing to hold the water, or in this case relationship.
So remember, be careful who you give the title “the right person” to and don’t be ruled by lust. Sort your emotions well. Be sure that it ain’t lust you are tagging love. And don't be afraid to love. Ciao!
Thanks to Mills and Blooms and every other romance novel, a couple of us mix lust with love. In fact, we have blurred the lines so much that they are no longer visible. We attribute love to that butterfly feeling in your stomach, crossed eyes, rush of blood to your downward part, the intense longing to be near someone and constantly wanting to hold someone. That is what we have reduced love to; the physicality of our emotions. So tell me, how do we expect it to last? Humans naturally are emotional beings and that the only thing constant about us is change in itself. Shouldn't that tell us that our emotions would always change overtime?
Hollywood never ceases to amaze me with its constant sharing of fluid and its incestuous hotbed of interfuckingconnectedness (Lord bless Bette Porter for this phrase). And what get the most rise out of me is when couples realize after a string of divorce, remarriage and another divorce that they could have worked things out and get back together. REALLY, are you frigging kidding me! So, it's pretty much doom to accept Hollywood's definition of love or happiness.
But all our woes about dating and relationship stem from a single notion about who the right wo/man is. Every person,from the age of puberty, has a list of who the right partner will be. DTH is the common criterion for most Nigerian ladies. As for the male folks, – you didn’t think I was gonna leave you out, did you? – it is beautiful, presentable and independent. Most men do not want a woman who burns a hole in their pockets. Which is all good. Except, we often forget to leave the child play behind and face reality. We refused to realize that those lists should be burned as they are just to build self-esteem and define boundaries and not to be the handbook of our lives.
Ask any partner in a broken relationship; all s/he can spew out is how the other partner changed. Duh, people change. In fact, you did too. Which is why you see your partner differently. If you didn't, you wouldn't notice that s/he did not change too. Marriage is all about accepting changes together. It is not about wearing identical cloths, or receiving comments about how perfect looking you both are. Accept that, and you are laid for life.
Once again, I have deviated from my course, i.e. the idea of the right person. Let me give you this simple advice, one that has stuck, ever since I heard it: “the perfect person for you, is the one you say “I do” to. So that very day when the priest asks both of you that particular question, all you are doing really is pronouncing that person as the ‘right one’. Before that moment, s/he was just a potential right one. The right one isn't about your feelings but the fulfillment of your lists. And it definitely is not about you telling your friends “I think s/he is the one.” Even the sentence reveals reasoning. Why don't we ever say “s/he is the one” or "I know s/he is the one." All we always hear and say is “I think s/he is the one.” That's right, s/he is a potential right person, the way countless others are. And yes, there isn't only one right person, made just for you: “the bone of your bone and the rib of your ribs.” Considering you have 24 ribs, it stands to reason that you may have at least 24 potential right ones. So get off your high clouds and get over the romance novel; 99 percent of the stories are just lust rages. Why do you think novels always end with 'he proposes and she says yes and they live happily ever after' and never show you the morning after or sudden death of the passion? That's because there is nothing to hold the water, or in this case relationship.
So remember, be careful who you give the title “the right person” to and don’t be ruled by lust. Sort your emotions well. Be sure that it ain’t lust you are tagging love. And don't be afraid to love. Ciao!
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