Screenplay Writing Competition
The rule is pretty simple, just point out the errors in this script.
Clue: it is not the suck-ass H/Nollywood storyline.
The winner gets to win a pair of white Chuck Taylor sneakers. Now I know that the prize might not be in Don Jazzy’s category but you are not composing or dancing, just pointing out errors.
FADE IN:
EXT. ST. PETE BEACH – DAY
The beach is a little crowded. TOM, 26, at the beach bar, sips a cocktail as MARY-ALICE, 25, walks up to the bar.
MARY-ALICE
(motioning to the bartender)
A glass of lemonade please.
TOM
Hot day isn't it.
MARY-ALICE
It most definitely is.
96 degrees, the last
time I checked.
The BARTENDER, 34, hands Mary-Alice her drink. She takes a slug at first and subsequently sips the rest. Tom watches her and could not help being intrigued.
TOM
Hi, my name is Tom.
MARY-ALICE
Nice to meet you, my name
is Mary-Alice.
Tom phone RINGS. He whips it out.
TOM
I would be there in few minutes.
He snaps the flip phone shut, fishes for his wallet and puts a 20 on the counter.
(turning to Mary-Alice)
I got to run, but I would
love to continue this later.
I know this might be too
forward or fast but I would
really like to know you better.
What do you say, Hurricane
restaurant at 8.
MARY-ALICE
You know what, sure.
2.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Dinnertime: the restaurant is crowded. Tom sits at a table for two, by the window. Two red roses lay on the table. A WAITRESS walks up to him.
WAITRESS
Are you ready to order, Sir.
TOM
Not yet, I am waiting for
someone. Thanks though.
WAITRESS
Okay, just call one me
when you are ready to order.
20 minutes later, Tom checks the time and decides that he had been stood up. As he stand up to leave, Waitress walks to him.
Pardon me, are you Tom
waiting for a certain
Mary-Alice.
TOM
Yes, why?
WAITRESS
She asked that you be giving
this note.
She passes him a folded note. He takes, unfolds and reads it.
INSERT: THE NOTE
Which reads: “Sorry I couldn't make it. Family emergency, hope you understand. Call me at 843-001-1110 by 11, so I can apologize properly.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Tom contemplates whether he should call Mary-Alice or not. But he figures why not. He fishes for the note and dials the number.
TOM
Hello?
INTERCUT TOM AND MARY-ALICE
MARY-ALICE
Hi, Tom
3.
TOM
What makes you think
it's Tom.
MARY-ALICE
It is 11 pm., isn't it.
TOM
I guess so. So what was
the family emergency about.
MARY-ALICE
I know it sounds crazy but I
really had a family emergency.
I had to rush my nephew to the
ER.
TOM
How is he now?
MARY-ALICE
He's a little trooper.
They talk. Mary-Alice yawns.
TOM
I better be a gentleman and
allow you to sleep.
MARY-ALICE
Thanks, would you like to meet
me at the Clear-water Beach.
Thank God for Saturdays. This
time, I am paying for the
drinks.
TOM
Not bad, what time do you want
to meet.
MARY-ALICE
Would 4 be good?
TOM
Alright, it's a date then.
4.
EXT. CLEAR-WATER BEACH – DAY
The beach is crowded. TOM, at the beach bar, sips a cocktail as MARY-ALICE walks to the bar.
MARY-ALICE
Why did I know, I would
find you at the bar.
TOM
Why was I sure, you would
walk up to the bar looking
for a certain gentleman. What
would you have.
MARY-ALICE
I am paying, ain't I.
TOM
Yeah, sure, whatever.
MARY-ALICE
Then I would have a white
sangria.
TOM
Fancy, hun.
They chat till sunset.
So, how about a real date.
Next Saturday. And please
don't stand me up this
time. Go easy on a guy's
ego.
MARY-ALICE
(right hand raised)
I wouldn't, scout's honor.
That would probably be the
last time you get stood up
by me. At least, until you
show your douche-bag
personality. Then, if that
happens, you would be.
TOM
Great, because that would
never happen.
FADE OUT.
So, find the errors and comment below from now till November 11.
The comments would not be published until the end of the competition. So this would be the only comment you would see for a long while. Get those answers rolling in
ReplyDeleteThough I’m still an aspiring screen writer, the unlisted are the errors noted by me.
ReplyDelete1. Asides the characters ages, we don’t get to know any other thing about their personalities or appearances
2. The numbers 2 (above the dinner scene), 3 (before Tom’s dialogue while on the phone with Mary-Alice) and 4(above the Clear-Water Beach scene) shouldn’t be there as they are confusing
3. In the scene where Tom called Mary-Alice, whose house is he in and Mary-Alice location is not known
4. During their conversation at night, what does “they talk” shows, in as much as the directing angles like “Fade in” in the beginning and “Fade out” at the end is being used, why couldn’t a directing angle be thrown in to let us know they’ve conversed for maybe a short or long time before she yawns.
5. The beach is described as crowded but we don’t know the description of the bar; is he their alone in the whole bar, is he sitting or standing? Was her drink brought to her, were they sitting or standing while they chat? Just like above “they chat till sunset” didn’t allow us know what the conversation is about, is the conversation till sunset a montage shot?
@femi debzine, you noted a few errors. Your number 1 is correct but not exactly the norm. For number 2, the numbers are page numbers which relates to the one minute per page idea. Your number 3 and 4 is absolutely. Although a screen writer should never give directing angle in a screen play. However "they talk" is faulty because we have no idea how long they talk and because of the one minute per page rule. We cannot sit and watch two character just talk. I should have shown the beginning and end of the talk. I should also use the tagline "later" and give more info in the action.
ReplyDeleteBut there are other errors you didn't point.
1) after a break in conversation with an action, you should rewrite the character's name on top of the dialogue. I did this a couple of times.
2) I also wrote "they chat till sunset," having the same problem as your number 4.
Because you are the only one who commented and did call out a few of the errors, you are the winner. Please send my your shoe size and contact info.
hi, still awaiting your response
ReplyDelete