Eastern Exposure(lack of a title)

You sit at the round table and stare at the wall.

Does she know that I defended her today? That my voice rang loud as I said "No, my sister isn't a bother to me." That I walked out on my liaison when he suggested that we part ways. That I stopped at the tech shop on my way home and bought her a canon. That I had smiled all the way in the taxi, imagining her face when she sees the big blue box. Her carefully unboxing the camera.

Does she know? you wonder.
It doesn't matter that 5 hours ago, you had screamed at her, telling her to finally be the adult she clearly wanted to. That you weren't there when the green lizard flew from the ceiling on her. When she discovered the snake in the bathroom. You didn't hear her scream as she jumped on the bed, hoping that the creepy creature disappears away. No, you weren't there when she needed her elder sister this afternoon. You were on a mission trying to contact your liaison. You were in the market, lost in the hot sweaty weather trying to get around the bustle and hustle as you wound your way to your destination.

You sit at the round table and the little box on your right mocks you as she makes her way to unrestrained environment. You have no idea yet, or maybe you are in the stunned stage hoping that your kid-sister comes back.

But she's gone. She is finally you. You are finally your mother. You didn't forgive your mother for a long while because she focused on her favorite child more than she did you. She didn't even blink an eye when you left home. You never looked back. Okay you did, curled up with your teddy bear every night as you heard her knock on the door. Only it was just your imagination running wild. You had turned every night and stared at your mum's picture silently questioning why she had never loved you.

You've become your mother. You clipped your sister's wings the same way it had been done to you. You had lashed out when she broke the plate, when she ruined your parcel and when it seemed that it was her life's ambition to thwart your spy plans. 

But you reason, she has no idea what I am going through. She has no idea how crazy my day has been. She shouldn't have! But she did.

You never saw the tears as she turned, wondering why you had been so mean to her. She never got the explanation or hint that it had always been a case of transferred aggression/anger. That you bear the burden of a dozen folks even though you are just 25, and it's eating deep into your being.
Perhaps if she realizes just how much I do, she would understand.
You look at the camera lying innocently. You consider either smashing it, returning it, or giving it to her the next time you see her. You are undecided: the spot in the wall invites you to connect the camera with it, the light feel of your purse whispers that you could use the refund, but the voice in your heart says "show her that you are willing to let her fly."

You take a look at the room, hoping to find something, her comb perhaps. Alas it's all cleaned up. You retire to your cold bed. You close your eyes and imagine her eyes wide with excitement at the camera. Her blond hair blowing with the wind as she captures a moment and turns proudly to share that moment with you. Her finger poise over the shutter, gauging the depth of field and exposure. Snap. You lost it all. At least for now.

Next week, we would know if you learned or not.
Thanks to ABC's Pan Am for this beautiful post. I was in my bathroom staring at the mirror and ruminating on tonight's episode, I knew I had to write. Sisterly relationships fascinates me as I don't have one. I am an only-girl and at certain moments, my heart and being cries out for the sister I never had. I have friends and strangers wish they had my life, wish they were an only girl. But I had smiled and wished that I had a sister too. All around, I see sisterly interaction. My mother has her sister mi, my cousins have theirs, my family friends and my friends too. So it is only normal for me to connect with the show and particularly tonight's episode. Now even though I do not have a sister, I do have 3 brothers and so understand sibling rivalry and display of affection. I have heard my mother say that the only way my elder brother and I know how to manifest our love for each other, is to fight and disown ourselves constantly. I can not count how many time I have told Atilola that I would never ever forgive him. Or that.........(okay you get the point.) Or how many time I raise my voice to my younger siblings and feel terrible immediately after. But pride stops me from saying "sorry."

Even though I want and desire a sister, I must confess I am not the world's greatest sister. In fact, my title would be the opposite.
   
The point of my post is, just how many times do we have to sit at the round table alone to reminisce and appreciate the other person's laughter and contribution. How much harder is it to say "I am sorry." Life now is good, far better than LG and if you can't say it face to face, write it as a letter, text but don't tweet it. It is much easier to move your voice box than to sit in that chair and wonder how it would have been better if you had said sorry.

Sorry is one of the three magic words and it opens doors and worlds that would have been far beyond our reach.

Now I need to drop my pen. Good night and catch a rerun of ABC's Pan Am sometimes soon.

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